
The past year in sports played out much like a homemade bowl of French onion soup, a hot gooey mess that still somehow managed to get better and better with every spoonful. S
ure, there were mood killers, we’re not going to sweep the riots in Vancouver and the tissue box emptying series finale of Friday Night Lights under the rug. Even my Pomeranian peaches yelped as the credits rolled as if to say “Coach Taylor, now who is going to be our moral compass?” Still, heads held high and rally towels waved even higher, the sweet moments far outnumbered the sour.
While the gooey drama the world of sports churns can be as pungent as an avalanche of unlaundered game-worn jock straps, one thing that you can always count on is that the Chilly’s will cut right through the cheese. We play right to the final whistle, refusing to even take a knee to run out the clock because covering the spread is just as important as getting the “W.”
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BIGGEST BEARDO
Nominees:
Brian Wilson, San Francisco Giants Closer
Thicker and more bountiful than Troy Polamalu’s mane, more lush and home to more species than the Amazon Rainforest, Brian Wilson’s shiny jet-black beard is truly an enigma. Whether he’s flogging chalupas for Taco Bell or flummoxing hitters in the bottom of the ninth inning, Brian Wilson’s chin whiskers demand that all eyes, even that runner on first, remain fixated on that epic scruff.
Lucas Glover, PGA Golfer
The 2009 US Open winner’s wooly scruff is scragglier than the deep rough at Shinnecock Hills. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery and, on occasion, aping Glover’s hockey playoff beard chic this season were Graeme McDowell and Hunter Mahan. Still, no other duffer on Tour was as grizzly as Glover, earning him his “Fear the Beard” slogan.
And the Chilly goes to...
Brian Wilson has the fiercest follicles in baseball, plus his beard has its own Twitter account, not to mention an official MLB website where you can explore a virtual version of his beard. mlb.com
Honourable Mention:
Ron Artest. While the facial hair on the first contestant booted off season 13 of Dancing With the Stars is usually immaculately groomed, changing his name to “Metta World Peace” earns the goateed Laker a congratulatory backslap in the Beardo category.
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LOVE MATCH
Nominees:
Kris Humphries & Kim Kardashian
This former Toronto Raptor who last played NBA ball with the Nets tied the knot with Armenian-American beauty Kim Kardashian this past August. Before shacking up with Hump, Kim previously dated running back Reggie Bush … and wide-receiver Miles Austin. We sense a pattern here.
And the Chily goes to...
“Wozzilroy.” Rory had this cutesy term of endearment etched onto the clubhead of a lob wedge he gifted to Caroline. This may very well be the most fetching celeb couple portmanteau since “Brangelina.” Besides, the other contenders took the supersonic train to splitsville with Kim filing for divorce after just 72 days of marriage to the basketball star. Now that’s a fast break.
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MOST EPIC FAIL
Nominees:
CALL IT A COMEBACK
Nominees:
And the Chilly goes to...
Put this one on Jaromir’s mantle. While Berkman’s return to All-Star form in his mid-30s is impressive, Jagr merely skating with players he could have fathered is a bigger feat. Besides, while Berkman made his sixth all-star appearance and tied Yogi Berra for 76th in the all-time home run standings, Jagr appears poised to leapfrog Joe Sakic’s 1,641 mark and slide into eighth in all time points.
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ERA ENDER
Nominees:
And the Chilly goes to...
While one was one of the top centres in the NHL and the other was one of the top centres in the NBA, this was no jump ball. When it comes down to it, the question is “who left a bigger impact on their respective league?” Answer: The Big Aristotle. Shaq wears size 23 sneakers, Modano’s skate size is just 9, so there’s no contest here.
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SHADOW BUSTERS
Nominees:
And the Chilly goes to...
This was the biggest toss-up of the Chilly Awards. Both elevated their games to become upper echelon studs in their respective pursuits and while Rodgers just may eclipse Peyton Manning’s NFL record for the highest single-season passer rating, Djokovic’s ascent to the No. 1 ranking is up there in tennis history with Rod Laver’s 1969 slam-a-thon. Advantage Novak.
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